That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
