i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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