Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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