someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
