Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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