he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
