is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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