We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
