I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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