You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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