I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
