I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
