My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
