I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
