i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
