Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
