you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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