my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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