She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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