sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
