my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Swine flu is the new snow day.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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