My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
