Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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