My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
