please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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