put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
