No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
