i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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