Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I need to calm my uterus...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
