It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
