I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
