Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
