I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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