I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
