he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
