So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
