I think I won the penis lottery.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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