i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
