if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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