when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i think my cat just said my name.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
