i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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