Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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