Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
