Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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