I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
