peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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