is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
