Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
