I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
