Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
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